Yall have no idea what it feels like not to be able to give your babies a good Christmas. Our budget for Christmas is $50 unless mark sells a car between now and Christmas. Its been 3 months.
ANYWHOO...My Granny Faye passed on Oct 18, just 5 days before my 28th birthday. Almost a week after she passed, my bipolar disorder got the best of me even though previously I was happy and stable on meds i'd been on for years. I was grieving hard, making nearly ALL of the funeral preparations, and trying to support my grieving Mama and Pawpaw. My Pdoc (psychiatrist) added a new antipsychotic to my cocktain (grand total of two), and also added Gabapentin 3-4x/day for panic, anxiety, and to help out with my fibromyalgia pain. In all of the stress, my milk had become salty (yes it was, I actually tasted a gulp that I had pumped) and had a bitter aftertaste. She wasn't getting enough to eat, and it was becoming more stressful to worry about nursing her, grieving, planning the funeral, being a shoulder to lean on, and I just cracked. 6 days after Teyla turned 9 months old, I stopped breastfeeding. For good. I had no tenderness since then, no leaking, nothing, but I can still hand express a few drops out. Out of curiosity, I tasted it, and it tasted like tears. Literally. IDK!! I stopped, and to be honest, never looked back. Ok, ok, that's a lie, considering all the trouble and trying, and CRYING, and just...ugh. I did look back, but only in a positive light. She got 9 whole months of the best milk that her mommy could make. Straight from the tap. I tried hard, I really did, and I gave it my all. And I can see now, she benefited from it. And i'm happy. I made this decision, it didn't make me, like it did before. I know this is best. She benefits most from a healthy mama who can be the best that she deserves.
Now comes my dilemma. Hubby and I are thinking of TTC shortly after Teyla turns 2. To breastfeed? Or not to breastfeed? I'm almost discouraged, after the trouble we had trying to BF with Teyla, but at the same time, i'm excited about it. A new start, and I can learn from my mistakes. But i'm not all that excited to hear my mom throw in my face how my BFing Teyla failed, I starved her, etc....ya. Can't deal with that. And I can't shut her out because I love her and my girls love her. She's my mom. I don't know how i'd handle that. I guess i'm sort of wishy washy over it. I'll do more thinking on it and I guess i'll decide then. I'm just happy that Teyla seems to be doing well on food and formula. Shes gaining great (18lbs now! LOL), and shes happy!! Then i'm happy too.
WI'm a 28 year old married mom of two, and have been unsuccessful at getting past my freshman year at college. I've been to about 5 schools, and changed my major umteen bazillion times. I'm settled on a school msinly bevause i live in the boondocks and its closest to me. Its either Sam Houston State University, or go completely online. I currently have 18 hours of passing credits.
Ive narrowed my decision down to a few majors and schools.
I'll either attend SHSU and major in EC-6 Education with certifications in EC-4 English/Lang. Arts, Reading, & Social Studies and EC-7 Technology Education, or go to SHSU and major in MIS, minor in Education, and become certified in EC-7 Technology Education and shoot for a position at a ISD in their technology department.
See, i want to continue the legacy; my family are all teachers, my mom taught first grade for 23 years, then became intermediate principal, and is currently our entire districts curriculum director. Her parents, my grandparents taught as well. My Granny was computer lab teacher for 35 years, and my Pawpaw taught and coached here for 32 years.
It also doesn't help that with teaching its a contact position, pay is better than what I've got now (which is nothing because my hubby and i are unemployed atm and ill be a stay at home mom until our kiddos are in school fulltime), ill have the same schedule as the kids, health and dental, retirement, and a respected profession. If i got a degree in MIS i could still get a position at an ISD if i wanted, but id also have the option of running my husbands field computer tech business with him and possibly work from home. My only drawback from teaching is that i don't want yo deal with discipline issues, or angry parents, and I'm really nervous about being alone with so many kiddos!! LOL
Ive also been thinking of going to San Juan College online, getting a distance learning degree in Vet Technology, but the benefits wouldn't be that good, no contract, lower pay, but i have a passion for it and i know id be good at it. What should i move forward with??? Any input??
Ive become so attached to my mama and my pawpaw since my granny fayes passing. I never realized how much i love them until now. I check on my pawpaw every day and be sure to kiss him and say i love you every day, and when im not there, im calling. He put so much energy, money, and faith in me being successful at life after i graduated high school and now look at me. Ive let myself down, and more importantly i let him down. And its too late.
Praying for Jesus to wash this feeling and these thoughts away and give my family and i some comfort and peace. Give us the strength and will to hold on through this storm. I know somewhere in the bible it says that after the dark comes the dawn...they say that God will never give you more than you can handle. Ive got to pray and have strong faith that this is true. Get me through THIS NIGHT, Jesus and heal my heart. My mind is weak, and i need...somewhere to lay this down. I guess ill leave it in Gods hands. He knows best. I have no choice but to be patient in this turbulence.
My granny passed on the 18th. The viewing was last friday and the services were saturday. Everyone's dealing pretty bad. Im bipolar 2, borderline personality disorder and have a panic disorder. I feel like her spirit is haunting me. I have no visual proof or physical proof but im paranoid something is going to happen to me. My p-doc changed my meds the other day, so i have to see if the change will help. I cant breathe and i feel like im about to throw up. I want to run, but theres no point.
I dont know. I dont know if theres something i did that she wouldnt approve of, of if my mind is screwing with me, or if im just overcome with grief and this is the wacked out way my mind if dealing with it but i cant deal with this and my p-doc isnt answering his cellphone tonight.
So theres a guy ive known since my freshman year in college at PVAMU...hes wonderful. Hes the exact opposite that im attracted to physicslly, but everything else about him makes up for it. Hes very sweet, smart, in college, loves his momma, family oriented, hes a christian, wants to be a coach and high school history teacher. He lives in houston and has transferred to SHSU just like i did. He loves kids, and hes in LOVE with love lol I love his sense of humor, everything he says makes me laugh, but he also says some pretty deep stuff, too. Hes very humble, dedicated, down to earth type of guy, and all he wants is to love someone and make them happy. Yet hes single. I just dont get that. There has to be a reason. Hes the kinda guy i wish i had brought home instead 9 years ago. Why cant i have that??!! I Want to be treated that way. After all ive been through i feel like i deserve it. I would give it all in return. I need Someone who will love me hard, unconditionally; lift me up and support me. I Need a good life partner. Especially at this point in my life.
Im not sure why i feel this way, because although stressed because of my grannys passing, my relationship with My own Husband has been going a lot better. He shows me affection, just not the kind i want. He shows raunchy, sexual affection, not romantic, loving affection. I feel like when he complements me, or does anything like that, it has an ulterior motive: sex, and i rarely want that. I want to be Loved,
Not treated like a piece of raw meat for a dog. Im pretty sure that if this certain someone knew me personally..,like really knew everything about me, he'd run. Fast and away. At least in the relationship I'm in now my husband knows everything about me and still loves me (sometimes). And thats worth a lot to me as well.
My heart belongs to mark. I wont ever find anyone else to put up with my insanity the way he seems to. Or be geeky and watch star trek voyager and the StarGate series with, or make plans to go to comic con with, or make beautiful babies with, or share ridiculous inside joked with...i love my husband, so why am i longing for a relationship with this man?? Heres his blog: http://theworldofjerrell.blogspot.com/
So I started new Meds today. Doc took me off of Geodon and put me on something similar called Latuda and also added Gabapentin. Which makes my med list as follows:
Gabapentin 300mg 3x/day
All in addition to the supplements i take to keep my milk supply up: fenugreek, brewers yeast, abundant milk, and 30mg of Domperidone 3x/day.
4 years ago this nov. She had a bilateral stroke (double stroke) and had brain surgery. She was never the same. She developed pneumonia more than a month ago and was hospitalized 3 weeks ago here in Trinity. She stayed a week before they moved her to Conroes ICU. She was improving, but she was so low sick and very week, and we lost her on Oct. 18, 5 days before my birthday. It was very sudden. My grandparents have been married 50 years. Were all taking it really hard. I had to do most of the arrangements because noone else could handle it. The past week has been hell for us. My mom missed all of work last week, and Saturday night after the services My pawpaw was just layed across his bed just sobbing. Ive never seen him cry like this.
50 years is a long time to be inseparable. I just wasnt prepared to see him like this. Its hard. Sorry so long i just needed to vent somewhere.
I wish i did have a best friend. Someone to laugh with, shop with, have playdates with, cry with, tell anything to, talk on the phone to, text with, share inside jokes with, be goofy with. Someone who can get to know everything about me, all my flaws, quirks, and everything and still love me without passing judgment. I feel so alone.