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My granny passed on the 18th. The viewing was last friday and the services were saturday. Everyone's dealing pretty bad. Im bipolar 2, borderline personality disorder and have a panic disorder. I feel like her spirit is haunting me. I have no visual proof or physical proof but im paranoid something is going to happen to me. My p-doc changed my meds the other day, so i have to see if the change will help. I cant breathe and i feel like im about to throw up. I want to run, but theres no point.
I dont know. I dont know if theres something i did that she wouldnt approve of, of if my mind is screwing with me, or if im just overcome with grief and this is the wacked out way my mind if dealing with it but i cant deal with this and my p-doc isnt answering his cellphone tonight.

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So theres a guy ive known since my freshman year in college at PVAMU...hes wonderful. Hes the exact opposite that im attracted to physicslly, but everything else about him makes up for it. Hes very sweet, smart, in college, loves his momma, family oriented, hes a christian, wants to be a coach and high school history teacher. He lives in houston and has transferred to SHSU just like i did. He loves kids, and hes in LOVE with love lol I love his sense of humor, everything he says makes me laugh, but he also says some pretty deep stuff, too. Hes very humble, dedicated, down to earth type of guy, and all he wants is to love someone and make them happy. Yet hes single. I just dont get that. There has to be a reason. Hes the kinda guy i wish i had brought home instead 9 years ago. Why cant i have that??!! I Want to be treated that way. After all ive been through i feel like i deserve it. I would give it all in return. I need Someone who will love me hard, unconditionally; lift me up and support me. I Need a good life partner. Especially at this point in my life.
Im not sure why i feel this way, because although stressed because of my grannys passing, my relationship with My own Husband has been going a lot better. He shows me affection, just not the kind i want. He shows raunchy, sexual affection, not romantic, loving affection. I feel like when he complements me, or does anything like that, it has an ulterior motive: sex, and i rarely want that. I want to be Loved,
Not treated like a piece of raw meat for a dog. Im pretty sure that if this certain someone knew me personally..,like really knew everything about me, he'd run. Fast and away. At least in the relationship I'm in now my husband knows everything about me and still loves me (sometimes). And thats worth a lot to me as well.
My heart belongs to mark. I wont ever find anyone else to put up with my insanity the way he seems to. Or be geeky and watch star trek voyager and the StarGate series with, or make plans to go to comic con with, or make beautiful babies with, or share ridiculous inside joked with...i love my husband, so why am i longing for a relationship with this man?? Heres his blog: http://theworldofjerrell.blogspot.com/

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So I started new Meds today. Doc took me off of Geodon and put me on something similar called Latuda and also added Gabapentin. Which makes my med list as follows:

Latuda 80mg
Lexapro 20mg
Fluvoxamine 100mg
Gabapentin 300mg 3x/day
Protonix 80mg
Singulair 40mg
Diclofenac 40mg

All in addition to the supplements i take to keep my milk supply up: fenugreek, brewers yeast, abundant milk, and 30mg of Domperidone 3x/day.

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4 years ago this nov. She had a bilateral stroke (double stroke) and had brain surgery. She was never the same. She developed pneumonia more than a month ago and was hospitalized 3 weeks ago here in Trinity. She stayed a week before they moved her to Conroes ICU. She was improving, but she was so low sick and very week, and we lost her on Oct. 18, 5 days before my birthday. It was very sudden. My grandparents have been married 50 years. Were all taking it really hard. I had to do most of the arrangements because noone else could handle it. The past week has been hell for us. My mom missed all of work last week, and Saturday night after the services My pawpaw was just layed across his bed just sobbing. Ive never seen him cry like this.
50 years is a long time to be inseparable. I just wasnt prepared to see him like this. Its hard. Sorry so long i just needed to vent somewhere.

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I wish i did have a best friend. Someone to laugh with, shop with, have playdates with, cry with, tell anything to, talk on the phone to, text with, share inside jokes with, be goofy with. Someone who can get to know everything about me, all my flaws, quirks, and everything and still love me without passing judgment. I feel so alone.

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Tomorrows my birthday. 5 days ago my Granny Faye left us. Every year before she got sick she used to call me screeching the Happy Birthday song LoL..off key and all. Im going to miss that lady so, so, much. This hurts like yall wouldnt believe man. Damn.

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I have a growing crush and im not sure how to handle it, to be honest.

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http://www.ktre.com/story/23628765/trinity-co-sheriffs-office-seeking-publics-help-in-2-suspicious-car-fires


The story about our car...


I have NO way to get anywhere. Not even to take the girls to the DR, because my mom doesnt get off work until they close. My birthday is in 12 days and I cant feel that number 28 is going to suck.
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My mom said the most hurtful thing to me today. She said the reason teyla cries a lot is because i let her starve for the first three months. She was EBF for her first 3 months, cried ALL the time, and at taryns 2nd birthday party my mom brought over a can of formula, and she ate it with no issues. From then on i started supplementing and she never cried again, started gaining more, and was generally a full happy baby. I felt SO defeated. Supplementation killed my once good supply, and teyla is now 9 months come oct 12, 6 mos of formula and little breastmilk, 6 mos of tears, no support, and struggling with supply. Im hurt and i grieve and am jealous of the moms who have had little problem nursing, and seeing moms who EBF for long periods of time. Im tired of fighting. If teyla is happy and thriving on formula why i cant be happy to have a happy, growing, healthy, formula fed baby is beyond me. I failed, in my mind. I guess i just wanted to be THAT mom, and be like my crunchy mama friends. But im not, im just me, a mom, and im doing the best that i can.

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I can always tell when Teyla gets enough to eat from me. I watch how she acts when she's nursing. That tells me better than anything about my supply. If my supply is good and she's getting good milk, she's calm and content, I can hear her sucking and swallowing while she's eating, and shes happy while nursing. When my supply is low and she's not getting good milk, she's cranky, unsettled, and easily agitated, and she bites! And pulls my nipple with her teeth because she's irritated that she's not getting enough milk.
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