Oh emm gee!!

Im so over the moon!! I cant share with anyone else in my family yet but as of a week ago im off BC!! Were not actively trying but not preventing our third (and final) baby!! We have 2 daughters, our oldest, Taryn Ayana will be 3 April 3, and our youngest, Teyla Aubrey just turned 1 on Jan 12. Were hoping to have conceived by the time shes 18 mos. Hubby wants a boy but id love another girl. If its a girl her name will be Teagan Anne (after a special family friend and hubbys favorite aunt who passed) and for a boy ive chosen Treysen (havent thought of a middle name starting with A)....of course hubby wants a jr, but im not fond of that idea lol I cant wait to breastfeed this time around. I know lots more than i did with my first so i hope its easier this next time, i also have more friends and support and hope to make my goal of one year and possibly beyond! With my 2nd DD, November of last year my granny passed suddenly and due to grief, etc my milk dried up and we only made it to 9 months (DD was supplemented as well because of an ongoing supply struggle). Wish us luck!!

Cold...(But I'm Still Here...)

So it's been a while since I updated. I don't know why I have a paid account, but I just feel like I'd be missing out if I didn't have one?
Anywhoo, Teyla's first birthday was a huge hit. All my besties showed up with their kiddos and they all had a blast.
Due to stress,my tummy is full of bleeding ulcers, BUT, I DID get my referral appointment for my rheumatologist from my PCP like I've been waitng for. Its on Thursday. (GOD the keyboard on my crappy laptop SUCKS I think I need a new laptop, even though this one is less than 2 years old..)
Mark is still an asshole, and my mom is still trying to get me to leave him. I should. It's realy whats best, but its hard when you've been married for nearly 10 years.
Ive had a fibro flare the last 2 days, and before that I really didn't feel like cleaning, sooooo the house looks like a bomb went off with an exception of the bathroom, which I DID clean, and sweep, AND Swiffer. Mark is being abusive mentally and emotioaly about the house not being clean.

Good news though. I'm taking my entire school refund and spendin it on te girls....annnnnndddd I'm buying myself a 2005 Kia Sorento EX!!

I nee help. I don't hve the energy to care for my girls like I should. Every morning we wake up between 8-10AM, I go and give them cereal or waffles for breakfast around 10AM, and then crash on the couch until like, 1PM. I'm tired of this. My girls deserve better. I'm just always in SO much pain and I'm always just SO damned tired.

BTW, I figured it out. It wasn't my keyboard screwing up the other day, it was the visual editor on LJ. Is anyone else having issues with the visual editor when they post directly from the site? I have no idea about this, because I normally use Semagic...
  • Current Mood

This sucks.

Yall have no idea what it feels like not to be able to give your babies a good Christmas. Our budget for Christmas is $50 unless mark sells a car between now and Christmas. Its been 3 months.

Go me!!

I'll start this post by saying, that if you're going to judge, or come with anything negative, keep it moving.
ANYWHOO...My Granny Faye passed on Oct 18, just 5 days before my 28th birthday. Almost a week after she passed, my bipolar disorder got the best of me even though previously I was happy and stable on meds i'd been on for years. I was grieving hard, making nearly ALL of the funeral preparations, and trying to support my grieving Mama and Pawpaw. My Pdoc (psychiatrist) added a new antipsychotic to my cocktain (grand total of two), and also added Gabapentin 3-4x/day for panic, anxiety, and to help out with my fibromyalgia pain. In all of the stress, my milk had become salty (yes it was, I actually tasted a gulp that I had pumped) and had a bitter aftertaste. She wasn't getting enough to eat, and it was becoming more stressful to worry about nursing her, grieving, planning the funeral, being a shoulder to lean on, and I just cracked. 6 days after Teyla turned 9 months old, I stopped breastfeeding. For good. I had no tenderness since then, no leaking, nothing, but I can still hand express a few drops out. Out of curiosity, I tasted it, and it tasted like tears. Literally. IDK!! I stopped, and to be honest, never looked back. Ok, ok, that's a lie, considering all the trouble and trying, and CRYING, and just...ugh. I did look back, but only in a positive light. She got 9 whole months of the best milk that her mommy could make. Straight from the tap. I tried hard, I really did, and I gave it my all. And I can see now, she benefited from it. And i'm happy. I made this decision, it didn't make me, like it did before. I know this is best. She benefits most from a healthy mama who can be the best that she deserves.
Now comes my dilemma. Hubby and I are thinking of TTC shortly after Teyla turns 2. To breastfeed? Or not to breastfeed? I'm almost discouraged, after the trouble we had trying to BF with Teyla, but at the same time, i'm excited about it. A new start, and I can learn from my mistakes. But i'm not all that excited to hear my mom throw in my face how my BFing Teyla failed, I starved her, etc....ya. Can't deal with that. And I can't shut her out because I love her and my girls love her. She's my mom. I don't know how i'd handle that. I guess i'm sort of wishy washy over it. I'll do more thinking on it and I guess i'll decide then. I'm just happy that Teyla seems to be doing well on food and formula. Shes gaining great (18lbs now! LOL), and shes happy!! Then i'm happy too.


WI'm a 28 year old married mom of two, and have been unsuccessful at getting past my freshman year at college. I've been to about 5 schools, and changed my major umteen bazillion times. I'm settled on a school msinly bevause i live in the boondocks and its closest to me. Its either Sam Houston State University, or go completely online. I currently have 18 hours of passing credits.

Ive narrowed my decision down to a few majors and schools.

I'll either attend SHSU and major in EC-6 Education with certifications in EC-4 English/Lang. Arts, Reading, & Social Studies and EC-7 Technology Education, or go to SHSU and major in MIS, minor in Education, and become certified in EC-7 Technology Education and shoot for a position at a ISD in their technology department.

See, i want to continue the legacy; my family are all teachers, my mom taught first grade for 23 years, then became intermediate principal, and is currently our entire districts curriculum director. Her parents, my grandparents taught as well. My Granny was computer lab teacher for 35 years, and my Pawpaw taught and coached here for 32 years.
It also doesn't help that with teaching its a contact position, pay is better than what I've got now (which is nothing because my hubby and i are unemployed atm and ill be a stay at home mom until our kiddos are in school fulltime), ill have the same schedule as the kids, health and dental, retirement, and a respected profession. If i got a degree in MIS i could still get a position at an ISD if i wanted, but id also have the option of running my husbands field computer tech business with him and possibly work from home. My only drawback from teaching is that i don't want yo deal with discipline issues, or angry parents, and I'm really nervous about being alone with so many kiddos!! LOL

Ive also been thinking of going to San Juan College online, getting a distance learning degree in Vet Technology, but the benefits wouldn't be that good, no contract, lower pay, but i have a passion for it and i know id be good at it. What should i move forward with??? Any input??

No faith...

Ive become so attached to my mama and my pawpaw since my granny fayes passing. I never realized how much i love them until now. I check on my pawpaw every day and be sure to kiss him and say i love you every day, and when im not there, im calling. He put so much energy, money, and faith in me being successful at life after i graduated high school and now look at me. Ive let myself down, and more importantly i let him down. And its too late.

(no subject)

Praying for Jesus to wash this feeling and these thoughts away and give my family and i some comfort and peace. Give us the strength and will to hold on through this storm. I know somewhere in the bible it says that after the dark comes the dawn...they say that God will never give you more than you can handle. Ive got to pray and have strong faith that this is true. Get me through THIS NIGHT, Jesus and heal my heart. My mind is weak, and i need...somewhere to lay this down. I guess ill leave it in Gods hands. He knows best. I have no choice but to be patient in this turbulence.